The Sandwich Key

a dichotomous key to the sandwiches, with plates · compiled by Lyle Brandt, B.A. (unrelated)

A dichotomous key is how botanists name a plant they've never seen: you answer a pair of statements — a couplet — choosing whichever is true, and each answer sends you to the next couplet, until you arrive at a name. It is the most patient tool ever invented. I have built one for sandwiches, because nobody else had, and because people kept asking me whether things were sandwiches as though I would know. Now I do. Now you can too.

Use the Key

The key needs scripts to walk you through it. The whole key is printed below, the way it would be in a book.

Plates

Plate ISandwichus vulgaristhe ordinary sandwich
Plate IIHotdogus ambiguuscontested; see below
Plate IIITartina tostatafamily Tartinidae (open-faced)
Plate IVSandwichus longusthe long ones

The Full Key

  1. Couplet 1. 1a. The filling is held between bread, or something doing bread's job, on both sides → 2.   1b. The bread (or its stand-in) is on one side only → 4.
  2. Couplet 2. 2a. The two sides are separate pieces → Sandwichus vulgaris, the ordinary sandwich (Plate I).   2b. The two sides are joined along one edge, like a hinge → 3.
  3. Couplet 3. 3a. A long roll, split, filled along its length → Sandwichus longus (Plate IV).   3b. The hinge holds a single sausage → Hotdogus ambiguus contested (Plate II).
  4. Couplet 4. 4a. The one side is bread, underneath → family Tartinidae, the open-faced → 5.   4b. There is no bread at all → 6.
  5. Couplet 5. 5a. Toasted → Tartina tostata (Plate III).   5b. Not toasted → Tartina simplex.
  6. Couplet 6. 6a. A folded flatbread is doing the job → order Tacoformes, which this key respects but does not cover.   6b. It is a casserole → not a sandwich. (See Correspondence.)

Contested Specimens

The key places the hot dog with the sandwiches by its hinge, next to the long rolls, as Hotdogus ambiguus. Many people object to this. Some object loudly. The key does not take sides. It takes couplets. If you disagree with where it lands, you disagree with a couplet, and you are welcome to write a better couplet. Nobody has yet.

The Quist Institute declined to review the key, with the note: "Outside our competence. We only study things that matter less." I have chosen to take this as encouragement.

Correspondence

Brannigan to Brandt, 2019. Everything is a casserole if you're brave.

Brandt to Brannigan. A casserole is not a sandwich, and a sandwich is not a casserole. I have built a key.

Brannigan to Brandt. Then put lasagna through it.

Brandt to Brannigan. Lasagna keys out at 6b. Not a sandwich.

Brannigan to Brandt. Exactly.

Brandt to Brannigan. I don't know what "exactly" means here.

Brannigan to Brandt. Come round on Tuesday and I'll show you. Bring the key.

I went round on Tuesday. Mr. Brannigan made a dish he says is No. 212 in his Index. I put it through the key. It keyed out at 6b. He was delighted. We are still corresponding. I am not sure who is winning.